It's been awhile...

I think I have finally found one of the main conflicts I have with organized religion and my own experience with it.

Your Body is a Temple Haiku:

If your body is
a temple, stop eating high
fructose corn syrup!

When you stop doing
this, maybe I'll stop thinking
with my clitoris.

Apparently we always want others to wait

According to a sickening abstinence commercial I heard in the other room blasting from ABC family. The voice of a teen (or tween? I dunno), was saying "you don't have to go into detail about sex, don't be embarassed, you don't have to tell us about the 'parts' just tell us what you want us to do. Tell us to wait."

I'm not saying that I think that every teen should get laid, and that every one is ready, but that ad accomplished nothing!! It also sent a clear message that our "parts" are not important. Yet, masturbation is an important tool in discovering ones own sexuality and it can pave the way to a healthy sexual lifestyle (and conversely, an unhealthy one). Most men discover this, and use it to their advantage, but many women are left behind. We have nothing external like an erection to tell us when to go. If we are told that our "parts" aren't important, we are less likely to explore them in a healthy way.


What Do You Want? Haiku:

What are we waiting
for? If we never marry,
our parts are useless.

About to fall off of the fence

In the past couple of years I've been questioning the existence of God (or god) and I'm just not so sure anymore. First I thought, okay so Christianity is complete bullshit, but some higher power exists. Now I don't even know about that. I feel like a kid in the closet who must first come out as bi, because my family has scared me into thinking I'll go to hell.


Church Service Haiku

Does God want to hear
a bunch of white people sing
badly up to him?


Church Formalities Haiku

A human being
has no right to forgive me
"in the name of God."

Um, fighting an uphill battle?

Messed Up Priorities Haiku:

What is the point of
kid-proofing the TV when
you have internet?


Jus' Sayin'

Hey there Obama

I see you're working hard on the economy, healthcare, etc, but what about another promise you made to your followers? A promise that would take seconds to fulfill?

DADT Haiku:

You didn't ask, but
we'll tell you: you are being
a prejudiced ass.

Wanna stimulate
the economy? Allow
gays to get married.

Hey Kids, Why you be so fat?

Your parents are rich, you have no excuse. People in poverty do what they can to survive, meaning, high fructose corn syrup and preservatives in food, resulting in obesity. Yet, every single child I saw at a private swimming pool (at a club consisting of upper middle class families) was overweight, excluding two girls. There were about 30 kids at the pool.


Rich Parents: WTF? Haiku

You're spoiling your kids
with food that repays them with
a low self-esteem.

You have insurance,
you have money. Why can't you
use some prevention?

The Quest for Social Control

Serving food to middle aged men is a fast way to receive what are supposed to be compliments. So is simply putting up with your parents' perverted friend when he's had too much to drink. I don't know why these men think they own female sexuality, and I am even more confused as to why so many women put up with it.


Unsettling Haiku:

It's tragic when an
older man takes advantage
of a younger girl.

Yet, when an older
woman does the same to a
boy, the boy's a stud.

I don't want guys in
garments* telling me what to
do with my body.

I hate when you talk
about my body like it's
public property.

"You should model!" "You
shouldn't eat that!" "You're like a
centerfold!" FUCK YOU!


* Mormon Undergarments. In reference to Mormons taking a stand on "immoral" happenings and using political muscle to prevent loving couples from marriage.

And just so you know, all of the phrases in quotation marks have been said to me by IHOP customers.

I don't know how I've let this happen

Somehow I've let half of July slip by without adding a single haiku to this blog. Sorry everyone!


Why Lutherans are Better Haiku:

Contraception and
Harry Potter are just a
couple of reasons....


Twilight Can Suck it Haiku:

Vampire porn has
had its day, we've saved the best
for last. Now its here!!!


I'm so excited for HP6!!!! Even though I know that I'll be disappointed!!!

National Enemies

Eaters' Remorse Haiku:

Forget sex and drugs!
We're killing ourselves with high
fructose corn syrup!


My Tribute to MJ Haiku:

Celebrity god
and most loved pervert makes a
comeback by dying.


Termae Haiku:

One of these days, you
really ought to be jailed for
statutory rape.

Robots≠Men

True, robots are awesome. I'm a life-long robot supporter. I use the u-scan at grocery stores, I could only read digital clocks until third grade, and I am the proud owner of two vibrators. Robots are responsible for much of my happiness. BUT they aren't everything, unfortunately.

In Need of Something More Haiku:

My robots make me
feel good, but would be better
with complete control.

That's why I still like
the human variety
to take all control.



However, I would totally dump Michael for Asimo.

Hawaiian Pancakes at IHOP!

OMG WE GET TO WEAR HAWAIIAN SHIRTZ!!!

That Guy With the Hawaiian Shirt Haiku:

He's chill enough to
eat PB&J with the
crust, but just this once.


Hawaiian Pancakes Haiku:

How can IHOP be
any tackier? The staff
wears Hawaiian Shirts.



I am not happy about this. I guess I'll get something from Goodwill and be super pissed off all the time.

Thinking

I don't want that kind of shotgun haiku:

I'm so sorry you
had to be a product of
your environment.

This is easy to
prevent. I have no right to
tell you how you feel.

BUT don't pretend that
you made a mistake. You could
have earned a degree.

Shotgun weddings are
a sign that we need better
sex education.



I don't even know this girl too well, but I do know that it would suck if I got knocked up right now.

It's that time of year...

that the fellas start wearing their jean shorts! Unless you can find the perfect wash and cut for you, this is a fashion no-no. I can't tell you how many horrible jorts I saw on campus today. Don't let this happen to you!






Jorts Haiku:

I.
Spring turns to summer
and what do I see? Awkward
men in awkward shorts.

II.
Hey man, you can't pull
off those shorts. You should let me
pull them off for you...

Drunks of the Week

Just when I thought I had this honor, two of my colleagues outdid me last night. Yes, I'm talking about Mr. Charles Strom Jr. and Colton Bielaski.

Put Your Sober Helmet On! Haiku:

I can't open the
door! Linden! I'll trade you your
shoes for gardettos!!!!


Colton, You've Had Enough Haiku:

Listen to me, I'm
a doctor! You need to stop
that right now mister!


Emily I won't step on your coffee! Haiku:

Emily I see
your coffee! Give me some love!
Don't be a hater!

Really? I look better in them!

I'm also fluent in German, am only 17, but in college, and want to know what happened to your knee. Who am I?


How Can You Possibly Think That it's Acceptable to Act This Way? Haiku:

Someone needs to shove
a cock in your mouth so you
will SHUT THE FUCK UP!





If you couldn't tell, I had a great bus experience yesterday

Angry Feminist Rant Day

I honor of experiences and emotions over the past couple weeks. YAY!

Why Women Make Less Money Haiku:

We must work during
daylight to avoid dangers
at night. Men are pigs.

No, I don't want to
call a cab. But I must since
bad men are lurking.

You give me advice
to avoid being mistaken
for a prostitute.

You tell me I should
"dress conservatively." I
hope you are kidding.

I hate that my well-
being and prosperity are
in the hands of men.

Cocktail?

I've never been a huge fan of cocktail sauce, and as I was stocking some at work today, I had some thoughts on it.

Cocktail Sauce Haiku:

Who would have thought that
the world's best things combined makes
a terrible sauce?


Who doesn't love cock? I'd have to say that I'm a big fan, whether it's on a man, or in chicken form, both things are great. And who doesn't love getting tail? Cock and tail should go hand in hand, yet, they make a terrible sauce.

Feliz Cinco De Mayo!

A Nation of Immigrants Haiku:

How are Mexican
Immigrants different from
your own ancestors?


Another Overheard Haiku:

Somehow I knew that
today's Cinco de Mayo.
I don't know why though.


This bitch in the kitchen didn't understand that "Cinco de Mayo" means "The fifth of May." I never took Spanish, but Christ! Isn't that common sense?

In the interest of the environment

And my midterm on International Trade and the Environment...

Why Green is an Empty Term Haiku:

Businesses still
aren't green, 'cause colleges
teach us to green wash!!!

Swine Flu Haiku:

I ate purell for
breakfast on account of the
swine flu pandemic.

The C word is totally PM...

Cunt Haiku:

Use of the C word
can empower women by
showing their bad traits.

Women misbehave
in non-sexual ways. We
must acknowledge this.

Men can be bastards;
Women are capable of
terrible things too.


Nobody can argue about modernity Haiku:

If something can't be
clearly defined, just label
it as post-modern.

Hot Pants Explosion

Yesterday I bought some sparkly gold booty shorts, and I am excited to put them to good use.

Hot Pants Haiku:

When used properly,
hotpants can improve any
tough situation.


"In order to have a friend, you must be one" Haiku:

Or as Cami says
it: "You gotta put out if
you wanna get some."


CJ, if you want a friendship bracelet, you'd best put out!

Possible Future Purchase (NSFW)

I saw this fabulous dress on American Apparel.net, and based on the reviews, I just may HAVE to buy it!


Sexy Dress Haiku:

"I randomly showed
up in this at my boyfriend's
house. He went crazy!"


Maybe $42 is too much for this...

Sorry

I've been pretty busy. I'll try not to be a bitch and post more often.

CJ nooo!!! Haiku:

Somehow I knew that
you would be infected by
zombies. I'm so sad.


Age is Just a Number Haiku:

Hey miss, you wanna
see how a guy my age has
fun? Young sexy girls!

(This man proceeded to show me his pictures from the ComiCon. He was with some seventeen year old Wonderwomen.)


Waiting for the 48 Haiku:

I just got kick out
of my apartment. Can I
move in with you, babe?

Pissed off a li'l bit

Set them free Haiku:

If parents do not
learn to let their children do,
then they never will.

These children from those
parents will place a burden
on other people.




I have been reinstated to my role of chauffeur. What a warm welcome back. Not.

International House of Pillowfights

How I wish this accurately described my work environment. Today I wasn't all there, too much Benedryl, and too many old people.

Where's My 'Slaw? Haiku:

What the hell? This was
not in a basket in the
picture, stupid bitch!

In the picture it
is on a plate and comes with
coleslaw. FIX IT NOW!

International House of Party

Spencer renamed IHOP. Obviously IHOP is a party compared to the Claim Jumper.


Small Differences Haiku:

Today I noticed
that people drank water, not
juice. Thanks, recession!


But it could be worse Haiku:

"Drink diet coke since
you will eat some sugar. You
are on a diet."

The latter was said by an obese Hispanic mother to her chubby, twelve year old daughter, who was covered in plague-like acne, wearing fake nails with rhinestones. She had a terrible lack of self confidence. Maybe they should drink water.

Another Overheard Haiku

Well, maybe not verbatim, but I basically heard this (or the gist of it) in the CHS women's bathroom during intermission.

Faded Glory Overheard Haiku:

"I was just like that
girl on stage! Always the lead!
Then I was famous!"


(A vain middle aged woman telling her daughter about her high school days in response to her daughter saying that the girl on stage was "really cool")

Sold Out

Today has been a franchise-filled day. I ate lunch at Red Robin, my father drove us 200 feet to IKEA, then we went to Borders book store, which had two GIANT book displays, cashing out on two major motion pictures: Twilight, and Watchmen. Disgusting!

Sold Out Haiku:

Consistency is
key; experience here what
you would anywhere.

Burnt burger? We can
solve that with a gift card. Thanks
for your business.

Oh yeah, watchmen, that's
like spiderman right? I like
superhero stuff.

I lost ten pounds. What?
Walk to IKEA? Don't be
so ridiculous.

Disgusting!

Apparently I'm completely disgusting. Sorry folks, but a few cruel words are not going to keep me from being disgusting, in fact, quite the contrary. The more I hear the word "disgusting" tossed around about my lovelife, the more it encourages me to "disgust" you.

"What's that noise?" Haiku:

If I have to hear
your shitty music, you have
to hear my music.

Overqualified

I caved in. I'll be working at the International House of Pancakes on N. Aurora starting next quarter. This IHOP is much more ghetto than either of the stores in Vancouver; even worse than the IHOP on NE 82nd in Portland. Nonetheless, I'm slightly excited to begin working. There will be much more haiku material from this job, I promise you.

IHOP Qualifications Haiku:

Hopeful assistant
managers wear unicorn
socks, jeans, and old vans.


Waiting for the 358 Haiku:

I'm homeless. The name's
Lee, but I go by Zippah!
Like your pants zippah!

Huh

Today I ate some
yakisoba on a bench.
Attracted the birds.



And a couple of squirrels.... Michael posed an important question earlier today.

Thought provoking haiku:

You said to me: I
wonder if crows make good pets
'cause they're so damn cute!

Now I'm curious!

Coincidence?

Big Fucking Coincidence Haiku:

Suddenly it's cool
to read comics books? Are ad
campaigns behind this?


You answer no. Hmmmmm.....

Juxtaposition

As I actually spend time in my dorm room for what feels like the first time since I moved in, I glance over to my roommate's desk and compare what she has to what I have. Upon walking into the room and comparing sides, you would see that I definitely have better fashion sense and I enjoy cooking and playing guitar, but when you look at our desks, you may think that I am actually retarded. She has a chemistry book while I have a giant Winnie-the-Pooh book. She has chemistry goggles and textbooks galore while I just have perfume and a jewelry box among other trash. I promise you, I am not a compete idiot.

Juxtaposition Haiku

I may not ever
take science or math, but at
least I have a soul.


Smart Wool Haiku

Smart wool socks can be
worn for multiple days. That
doesn't mean they should.


Acceptance Haiku

It hurts to see that
what you thought of as your own
isn't really yours.

I'm in a transcendant mood.

Possibly because I'm working on my Walden paper. Somehow, all I can think about is Emerson though.

Ralph Waldo Emerson Haiku

Ralph says that being a
transparent eyeball does not
mean you're albino.

According to all sources, the street's the place to go

It may not be raining men, but it is getting nice out and critters are coming out and the birds are back! It's picnic time.

Picnic Time Haiku

Forget about class,
forget about money, let's
rejoice, feast, and love.


Andrew Bird Haiku

I don't care if you're
thirty five and famous, I
want to marry you.

If you can't tell, I am extremely excited about Andrew Bird tonight!!!

Cats

As usual, cats are significant in more ways than one. I miss my cat at home, I miss Carrie's cats, I miss Hannah's cats, I miss Katie and Christy's cats, I miss Michael's cat. However, this is not what I'm referring to. You see, last night a few of my school chums and I watched a few clips from the award winning musical Cats, and we noticed that one of the characters bore a strange resemblance to Tim Curry. It had to be him.

Tim Curry Haiku:

Your career reflects
your genius. Were you in Cats?
Please, just admit it!

About yesterday's post...

Turns out the growling guy was actually mentally or physically handicapped. Oops.

I'm totally PC Haiku:

I.
Homosexual,
not faggot; vagina, not
cunt. Let's be polite.

II.
Handicapped, not dumb
or crippled; diversity
is a special gift.

III.
Police Officer,
not policeman; escort, not
prostitute. Be nice.

Happy Friday the 13th

Was there even a power outage this morning as promised? At any rate, I feel that today deserves a haiku, and right now I am in the HUB, and some guy behind me is actually growling and howling. It's pretty weird. I don't know if he actually has a problem, or he's doing this to be funny.

Werewolf Haiku

I'd like to shoot you
with a silver bullet so
you'll shut the fuck up!

"I bet you I can clear a whole bottle of vodka in one swig..."

Said the writer. CJ replied coyly with "Well aren't you clever..." when she pulled out a tiny bottle.

Best Babysitter Ever Haiku:

If you had children
would you trust me to watch them?
I'm so qualified!


Now I ask, would you trust her with your children?

Stress

I am not enjoying our mercer house hunt. I feel like my group, or at least a couple members, do not understand that signing a 12 month lease when I intend to leave the country after one quarter is simply out of the question. After turning down a house that would have worked just fine had we taken the time to prepare for it, now apartments that are for rent right NOW instead of September are being looked at.

I am frustrated with the group and I don't know if I'll enjoy Mercer goes Greek tomorrow night. I still need to find a job, and I need to read and write.

I have lost my voice so there's only one thing left to do. I'm tappin' out. Even though I bought the wrong flavor of dimetapp.

Tapp'd Out Haiku:

When your body won't
function, dimetapp will solve
all of life's problems.


Unless your problems are liver and kidney related.

All things that are good

Even though it is gross and rainy out today, I realized that I have been happier since I have been outside more than I used to. When you are outside, even in overdeveloped Seattle, you still get to see goofy things that animals do. Last week, I saw about 15 birds of different species all standing on a police car, staring ominously. The other day, Linden and I saw a strange looking seagull. Today a baby squirrel ran up to my feet, looked up for a few seconds, then scurried away when it saw some crumbs on the ground.

Fat Retarded Seagull Haiku

You poor, neckless bird,
do the other birds like you?
Must you live alone?


I Miss My Cat Haiku

Hey there big girl. Are
you getting love at home? I
miss you all the time.

As a writer....

Pissin' me off!!!!

asl;djgalsdjgklasjdgklasjdgklajsdgklajsdgklajsdgkladjgkladjgkahgakdjfghak;dfghaeghaek;rghkjarghaejkrghjk

YOu know what's a beautiful thing? A wine cube.

haha i'm not an alcoholic, i haven't drunk in two weeks

i'm wasted on art

you can get it at target

it's ecofriendly. it's a legit boxed wine.

!!!!!!

This girl is really pissin' me off. Day after day she talks about this art she produces, but is resistant to show the fruits of her labor. Really all day she just walks around Ballard and eats too much chocolate. She admires herself in the mirror. She is dead to me.

As a writer Haiku (pt. 494994949)

I am a writer.
I can call it blush if I
want to. I drink wine.


oh, by the way betch, fuck you!

Overpriced Food

I just got a fruit and cheese platter at the HUB today, and was blown away when I found out how much it cost. It was $6. This isn't some awesome fruit platter with multiple apples or bunches and bunches of grapes and fresh melon. This is roughly a third of an apple, a few cubes of cheese, two strawberries, and a few grapes. They threw in a few saltines as well. Oh, but it's organic, so it simply MUST cost $4 more than it should.

Pissin' Me Off Haiku

How do they expect
college students to afford
six dollar failures?


I am not exaggerating here. This is precisely what my "platter" consisted of:

14 small cubes of cheese

2 strawberries

4 saltines

1/3 of an apple (4 slices)

10 grapes

1 piece of lettuce for garnish

Sam Adams

Given all the hubub about Portland's new mayor, I thought he deserved a haiku.

Sex Scandals and Public Office Haiku:

In public office
It's okay to get tail, but
to get young tail.


Press and Public Office Haiku

Giving a job to
the journalist who knew your
secret: big dick move.

Phat parties are way better than Frat parties

And my Phat Buddies are way better than Frat bro's. A certain frat bro totally ruined our ABC Party last night. While we were all adorned in trash bags, colorful coffee filters, neon duct tape, bubble wrap, and/or post-it notes, a member of the brotherhood arrived with beer can armor that was bound to get us busted from the start. What a cocksucker.

Frat Bro Haiku:

I.

Why can't we be chill?
We need to party it up!
We need to get tanked!!!

II.

Jaeger bomb! Who wants
one? I'm Frat-hercules! Check
out my boss armor!

III.

Chill out sweetheart. I
just wasn't that into you.
But tonight I am.


Jake the Snake is no longer welcome in Mercer hall.

Squirt gun fight

Subtract the gun and add a few ladies. This is for Caroline, who earlier today discovered that female squirting exists. This is also for people on my floor who are tired of a certain someone constantly mentioning obscure sexual traditions from ancient societies. This someone also constantly speaks of her "tight virgin pussy."


I don't think that's my goo on the ceiling Haiku

The excitement builds
and the fluid bursts out. Can
reach long distances.

Bad Spill

As many of you have heard/witnessed, I sprained my ankle on Saturday night at the Harry Potter party. I was doing the runningman, and landed on my ankle the wrong way. Needless to say, this has messed up my schedule, so now instead of going to the dorm to take a nap between classes, I have to be at the HUB or library, and actually do my homework.


Overconfident Runningman Haiku

Without caution, this
dance can result in busted
nuts and sprained ankles.


Sassy Potter Haiku

"So I stupified
that ho. She had no right to
insult my outfit!"

Bad Weekend Haiku

"Are you a victim
of domestic violence?"
"Uh, I don't think so..."

I'm actually not a victim of domestic violence. I was just trying to convince a nurse of this as my ankle is throbbing and I have a burn on my hand and bruises all over my leg. I am only clumsy, like a baby giraffe.

I <3 CJ!!!

CJ Strom Haiku (a series)

I.

I turn my head to
see you taking a candid
photograph of me.


II.

"Wait, you mean his name
is Strom? I thought it was Storm
this entire time!"
-Colton


III.

Where's waldo? I think
he's in grandma's ass. He's out
of control sometimes.