Overpriced Food

I just got a fruit and cheese platter at the HUB today, and was blown away when I found out how much it cost. It was $6. This isn't some awesome fruit platter with multiple apples or bunches and bunches of grapes and fresh melon. This is roughly a third of an apple, a few cubes of cheese, two strawberries, and a few grapes. They threw in a few saltines as well. Oh, but it's organic, so it simply MUST cost $4 more than it should.

Pissin' Me Off Haiku

How do they expect
college students to afford
six dollar failures?


I am not exaggerating here. This is precisely what my "platter" consisted of:

14 small cubes of cheese

2 strawberries

4 saltines

1/3 of an apple (4 slices)

10 grapes

1 piece of lettuce for garnish

Sam Adams

Given all the hubub about Portland's new mayor, I thought he deserved a haiku.

Sex Scandals and Public Office Haiku:

In public office
It's okay to get tail, but
to get young tail.


Press and Public Office Haiku

Giving a job to
the journalist who knew your
secret: big dick move.

Phat parties are way better than Frat parties

And my Phat Buddies are way better than Frat bro's. A certain frat bro totally ruined our ABC Party last night. While we were all adorned in trash bags, colorful coffee filters, neon duct tape, bubble wrap, and/or post-it notes, a member of the brotherhood arrived with beer can armor that was bound to get us busted from the start. What a cocksucker.

Frat Bro Haiku:

I.

Why can't we be chill?
We need to party it up!
We need to get tanked!!!

II.

Jaeger bomb! Who wants
one? I'm Frat-hercules! Check
out my boss armor!

III.

Chill out sweetheart. I
just wasn't that into you.
But tonight I am.


Jake the Snake is no longer welcome in Mercer hall.

Squirt gun fight

Subtract the gun and add a few ladies. This is for Caroline, who earlier today discovered that female squirting exists. This is also for people on my floor who are tired of a certain someone constantly mentioning obscure sexual traditions from ancient societies. This someone also constantly speaks of her "tight virgin pussy."


I don't think that's my goo on the ceiling Haiku

The excitement builds
and the fluid bursts out. Can
reach long distances.

Bad Spill

As many of you have heard/witnessed, I sprained my ankle on Saturday night at the Harry Potter party. I was doing the runningman, and landed on my ankle the wrong way. Needless to say, this has messed up my schedule, so now instead of going to the dorm to take a nap between classes, I have to be at the HUB or library, and actually do my homework.


Overconfident Runningman Haiku

Without caution, this
dance can result in busted
nuts and sprained ankles.


Sassy Potter Haiku

"So I stupified
that ho. She had no right to
insult my outfit!"

Bad Weekend Haiku

"Are you a victim
of domestic violence?"
"Uh, I don't think so..."

I'm actually not a victim of domestic violence. I was just trying to convince a nurse of this as my ankle is throbbing and I have a burn on my hand and bruises all over my leg. I am only clumsy, like a baby giraffe.

I <3 CJ!!!

CJ Strom Haiku (a series)

I.

I turn my head to
see you taking a candid
photograph of me.


II.

"Wait, you mean his name
is Strom? I thought it was Storm
this entire time!"
-Colton


III.

Where's waldo? I think
he's in grandma's ass. He's out
of control sometimes.